The Legend of Zelda: A Guide to Being Good

Kids are assholes. I committed so many terrible acts as a kid. When I was six, I stole a bunch of random objects from around the house and hid them in my closet. When I was eight, my friends and I bullied the same two classmates every recess. When I was ten, I wrote a fake note from my friend’s crush in order to humiliate him.

Why did I do those cruel things? Because I could. Because it made me feel powerful. Because I had no empathy for other people.

Eventually, I grew up from an immoral child into a somewhat decent adult. I credit a lot of my moral development to The Legend of Zelda series, in particular Ocarina of Time and Majora’s Mask. Taken together, they showcase the development of ethics in a young boy. Continue reading The Legend of Zelda: A Guide to Being Good

Austin: The Could Have Been King

Friday 9 a.m.

The last week has been terrible. Hurricane Harvey has poured an ocean onto Houston, and working at a grocery store during a hurricane is an awful experience. Before the storm, everyone rushed to buy supplies, creating sprawling lines around the store. During the hurricane, the skies were dark and poured rain constantly for days. I sat in my apartment nervously hoping my car did not flood. When the storm finally passed, the sight and feel of the sunshine was a religious experience. But then it was back to work as customers bought what was left on the near-empty shelves.

And I was not even supposed to be there that week. I had taken some time off, planning on a relaxing staycation. I was going to read, program, write, and cook without a worry in the world. Then the heavens laughed and called me back to work. Continue reading Austin: The Could Have Been King

Raising Cane’s: The Best Around

Throughout my lifetime, I have eaten tons of fried chicken in a variety of forms: nuggets, fingers, tenders, strips, even sometimes chicken with bones in it. Everyone has their area of expertise. Neil deGrasse Tyson can write about astrophysics. OJ Simpson can write about how to murder your ex-wife and her lover. And if I was to ever write a book, it would probably be entitled The Fat Guy’s Definitive Guide to Fried Chicken.

And although it does not possess the same level of patriotic associations as pizza, hot dogs, hamburgers, or barbecue, the classic meal of fried chicken and french fries is more common than all its competitors. Almost every restaurant you have ever been to does a version of this dish. If your friend does not want to try the lamb rogan josh when you drag him to an Indian restaurant, he can probably order a plate of chicken nuggets off the kids menu. Continue reading Raising Cane’s: The Best Around

Spicy Food: The Challenge

When I eat spicy food, I hiccup uncontrollably. And when I cook spicy food in a frying pan, I use way too much cayenne, create homemade pepper spray, and choke in my kitchen. Despite these problems, I constantly order and make spicy meals: chicken vindaloo curry, mango habanero wings, ghost pepper salsa, and more. You can frequently find me at a bar with tears rolling down my cheeks as I stuff more hot wings into my mouth. It is not an attractive sight.

I pretend my affinity for spicy food is because spicier means tastier. Mild curries are bland and boring, and honey barbecue wings are an affront to my tastebuds. Ultimately, habaneros are way tastier than bell peppers. Continue reading Spicy Food: The Challenge